Black Stone Gold ....one more time for good measure because it's the day to express
A clumsy, rambling, message in a bottle to an unshakeable ghost. Forgive its length, equal to a few years of tumbling syllables. You inspired words, laughter, and a connection not yet clear cut, clearly not cut. I think I knew you before I knew you. The smallest action made me smile, an innate recognition borne of something other than experience since we have had few in common. Always comfortable & uncomfortable. A view of the world, a humor and seriousness, a control and intellect, logic and passion. Omniverts retreating and recovered. Common grounds. Stares I've never held so long or felt so long after...
I'm sorry for my part in unraveling what, for me, was a great connection--my clumsiness and insecure regression when meeting someone who moves me. Stills me. Meeting a mind awake, on fire. I misspoke, challenged for no reason at times. Just to feel some sort of solid ground and sometimes to quietly defend my alternative ways you mocked hilariously. I saw your sweet, gentle side or I would have mistakenly brushed you off as a cocky guy but you were always kind. Tough exteriors have burned me before. I said goodbye because I kept missing you when you would disappear and I assumed you wouldn't be interested in more than friendship. I remember giving you that note, the look on your face, and knowing I had made a mistake not talking instead of writing...but you made me ridiculously nervous. Because you never showed romantic interest that was tough for me because I wanted a real world with you wherever that would be in spite of our clear differences. So I tried to be friends and was awkward.
I rushed to be brave enough to give you small things but in that goodbye you seemed sad, hurt in that moment and I didn't know why. I wanted a beginning not a goodbye. Later I thought I saw you a few times, thought we spoke in the ether, thought I even saw you on the island. So to speak again last year broke open my heart in the best way. That connection I felt with you (clearly this seems to have been one sided) never disappeared completely no matter how much I loved another. You were there scratching at the back of my mind. Then seeing you again so far away and the slowness in my reactions due to lack of sleep/feeling rough/insecure and general shock...sorry. I'm usually good at being friends especially when it seems illogical to be more, but I haven't been with you. I would normally think your actions unnecessarily rude but I know I was/am intense with you and in reality, you owe me nothing. I remember wanting to celebrate my project with you but feeling you were annoyed with me...so ironic for so many reasons.
This connection could all be in my mind, conclusions drawn from an overactive imagination or the result of connecting to the heart and not to reality. I wrote to you too many times directly and indirectly until I felt I was slightly insane but then all the synchronicities, the recent vivid moments of warmth and connection were surreal and all too real. Maybe you started TM again. Maybe we were just in sync on one plane but not the other. Maybe it's all madness and delusion. Either way, I know that you are forever etched in my heart and I will hope you can see past our differences and meet me some day soon if/when you are able/want to. I am sure you have created your world as you want it and that you are loved and happy but if you ever want to reconnect I am 'here.' There is no logic or reason, no bad feeling or judgement, only minor confusion and love. I hid this not to be covert or clever but to let it be up to you whether you read it or not, and so I could vent once more unedited, without anyone answering but you.